hi
hi, november
hi, almost-winter, almost-monochrome
it's cold and
being all perfectly logical I spend time on a sea shore, watching grey waves with white foam
being all incredibly brave I'm climbing an abandoned truss
there is almost no railing and couple meters where the only support is a thin rusted steel wire
there is cold water under my feet
I'm not even sure what is worse anymore: fall into late-fall sea or fall on a concrete
cold makes me stiff and too cautious, and scared as well.
beginning of October me is recless enough to try to climb down a cliff with almost zero chance to succeed
end of October me carefully decend from a concrete block too scared to jump 1,5 meter down.

I can't relax
always focused and under some sort of pressure I can't identifiy. there is possibily of wearing out
I look forward to every chance to run away from the city but it doesn't help
i haven't slept longer than 7 hours for two months now, and developed a habit of sleeping 30-40 mins at work because it is impossible to function without it
i haven't been truly alone for two months now but in a good way

there's a great deal of things that have been happening to me and there's no one who'd care to learn it in full and, frankly, I don't care to explain
there're new horizonts and music, old fears and habits, a lot of alcohol, crazy amount of sex, dare, water and high places
there will be a new me before the new year and I can't wait to get to know her.